"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"
"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."
"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."
"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."
"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."
"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."