"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."
"I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump."
"I hate when women give me that look. That overlook."
"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."
"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"
"If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!"