"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."
"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."
"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"
"If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!"
"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"
"You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system."