If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you... - Steven Wright

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."