If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you... - Steven Wright

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"