If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you... - Steven Wright

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."