I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea... - Steven Wright

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."