More quotes by Steven Wright

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."