If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."

"I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power."

"If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago."

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."