"If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch."
"Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave."
"In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two."
"Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did."
"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."
"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."