"If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch."
"Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are."
"Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did."
"There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late."
"Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball."
"I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?"