"He was just a kid. He didn’t care. He was like, “I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with?"
"I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less."
"Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely."
"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."
"Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you don’t. It’ll be a holiday that honors freedom."
"Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them."