"He was just a kid. He didn’t care. He was like, “I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with?"
"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."
"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."
"Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard."
"Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them."
"Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely."