If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kick... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."