If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll alw... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them."

"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."