If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick t... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."