"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."
"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."