"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."