"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."
"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."