"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."
"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."
"The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt."
"Read her poetry before you make love to her. That way she’ll be asleep when you do. I’m as romantic as a rocking chair with wheels."
"Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire."
"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."