I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. Sh... - Ellen DeGeneres

"Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings."

"I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do."

"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."

"You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled."

"For some reason, we can't just enjoy somebody else's success. Somehow, that's going to affect us. If they have more, then I have less - and I don't know why."