"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."
"Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless."
"I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better."
"The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets."
"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."
"I deal in the ideal idea. Buy, sell, or trade, I am offering the best prices on Love."