#Absurd

"Why aren’t red traffic lights heart-shaped? Probably because it’s not like rush hour can get any more romantic."

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE."

"How absurd and delicious it is to be in love with somebody younger than yourself. Everybody should try it."

"I need to be gentler, I said definitively to myself, as I clenched my fist and shook it in the air. Love takes flight like two powerful wings, but hits like a collection of feathers."

"I fight like a rocking chair in a boxing ring. That’s also how I make love. I should probably sell popcorn at my shows to boost revenue."

"The Federal Government pushing drugs and then punishing marijuana growers is like the pot calling the kettle green."

"With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone."

"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."

"A turtle is like a lizard in a bicycle helmet, and I think that’s romantic. That reminds me, I should write a love song called, “Dinner for two—plus one."

"A raisin on the ground is full of hope that if it just keeps aging, it will turn into wine and get drunk on its wrinkly self."

"Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers."

"I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill."

"The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well."

"I’ll convert a school desk into a tricycle, because how else am I supposed to learn to love? It’s not like baseball gloves are very effective oven mitts."

"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."

"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?"

"You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash."