#Absurd

"If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy."

"The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him."

"I just bought a bag of poetry, but it was mostly air. The author must have learned from the potato chip industry."

"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."

"If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply."

"The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more prepared to open it."

"I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting."

"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."

"When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box."

"My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it."

"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?"

"You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable."

"Children and dogs are the messengers of God some of us do not deserve them"

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."