"I'm offering you love on a stick. If you'd like, you can grab it to go. It’s like a popsicle, only it won’t melt if you put it through hell like you did with you last boyfriend."
"I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love."
"I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield."
"When I lost her I gained the future, because she was my past, and she freed me to become who I was born to be."
"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."
"Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises."