#surreal

"A kangaroo would jump better if instead of legs, it had a trampoline under its torso. And there would be no depression, because it would bounce right back."

"I know I love her, because when I see her my heart beats like a drum. If she played guitar and sang, we could start a band."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror."

"It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time."

"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."

"I should combine a car bumper with a belt, for a fashion accessory that’s safe for office romances. Powdered love poetry sold separately."

"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."

"Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself."

"I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder."

"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."

"I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more romantic than roses on a grave?"

"The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"Every day I type out my dream scribbles from the night before, looking for treasure buried deep in my subconscious."

"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."

"I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life."

"I’m so restless when I rest that I make sleepwalkers look like statues. If The Thinker could run 26.2 miles, it would need a baseball glove to catch me."