"I'm so popular in life that valets are already starting to park the cars lined up for my funeral, which is expected sometime late 2082. #OutBoastKanye"
"A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires."
"I use two yards of wrapping paper per one inch of present. Luckily I gave you the gift of love, so I was able to wrap it in tinfoil. Uncover before reheating."
"Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me."
"She cuts me deep with her words, with her withholding of words, and with her knife. I’m not sure which is the most painful."
"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."