"I’m so shy that if you played “Guess The Mannequin” with me and two mannequins, you’d pick me, because I’m the quiet one. Still, it’s important for me to get out and meet people, even if that means hanging around department stores wearing the latest fashions."
"There exists a big circus tent, and the right entrance is named The Republicans, and the left entrance is called The Democrats. People argue over which is the correct path, not realizing everyone inside is a clown."
"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."
"I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true."
"The wealthier I get, the more money I will have to not have, because my goal in getting is giving, and nothing is better than charity."
"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."