More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."
"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"
"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."
"If religion is a crutch, then society is the broken foot."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."