More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."
"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."
"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."