"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."
"When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box."
"I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral."
"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."
"His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?"
"I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real."