"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."
"With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin."
"In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two."
"When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased."
"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."
"After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography."