More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."
"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."
"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."
"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."
"The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting."