More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny."
"I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop."
"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"
"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."
"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."