More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."
"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."
"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."