More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."
"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."
"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."