The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start... - Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."