I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. - Steven Wright

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."