More quotes by Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."
"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."
"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."