I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. - Steven Wright

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."