When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes per... - Steven Wright

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."