Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."