Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."