More quotes by Steven Wright

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."