More quotes by Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."