I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got... - Steven Wright

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."