I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got... - Steven Wright

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."