In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it w... - Steven Wright

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."