I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of... - Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"