More quotes by Steven Wright

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"