The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars,... - Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."