The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars,... - Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."