The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars,... - Steven Wright

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"