If a man says something in the woods and there are no women... - Steven Wright

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."