If a man says something in the woods and there are no women... - Steven Wright

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."