If a man says something in the woods and there are no women... - Steven Wright

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."