"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."
"Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a couple."
"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."
"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."
"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."
"I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer."