"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."
"I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer."
"God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it."
"Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a couple."
"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."
"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."