"Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that."
"I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder."
"He rose like heroes, and I rose like rows of red roses. Love grows wherever you plant it, so I try to farm it wherever I go."
"Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream."
"Some people grow vegetables by day, but I grow shadows by night. Right now my only customer is the US government, but the profit is unbelievable."
"My coffee cup is empty. Why don't you pour your love in and wake up my soul?"