"Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that."
"A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future."
"I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true."
"I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not."
"Coffee can’t melt in the summer heat, and that’s what I like about liquid soap. Wake and Clean is my new product that combines both into one exciting new drink."
"I am Clap Man. It’s a reverse super power, because instead of me doing the heavy lifting, I just applaud and encourage and others do all the work."