"Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave."
"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."
"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."
"If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch."
"I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?"
"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."