"Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave."
"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."
"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."
"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."
"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."
"The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger."