My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you pref... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France."

"Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun for the whole family."

"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."

"My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive."

"The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets."