"Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."