I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a... - Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."