Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lo... - Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."