More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."
"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."
"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."