More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"
"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."
"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."
"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."