It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lo... - Steven Wright

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."