It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lo... - Steven Wright

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."