It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lo... - Steven Wright

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."