It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lo... - Steven Wright

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"