"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."
"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."
"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."
"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."
"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."
"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."