Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m als... - Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car."

"I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie."