More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."