Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought h... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."